Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Dear Overachiever,

It's the first day of the fall semester. I arrive at my first class a few minutes before it's scheduled to begin, and other students slowly filter in as well. Everyone is saying hello and chatting with those they know, exchanging smiles with those they haven't met before. All waiting for the professor to arrive.

My expectation: though a three hour class, it's the first day and there's no way this lady's keeping us more than 20 minutes. We'll be given the syllabus, made to listen to the standard shpiel on timeliness and plagiarism, and then be relinquished once again into the still-summery air, not to glance at that syllabus, or the homework listed on it, until an hour before the class meets again next week, a silent "oh shit" escaping our lips as we furtively glance at our clocks.

Not on my list of expectations: going around the room and introducing ourselves. I haven't had to endure that little ritual since freshman year, and even then, I never understood the point. "Hi, I'm Macy and I'm a Pisces vegetarian!" "Hi Macy, I'm Joanna, and as soon as this class lets out I fully intend to run to McDonalds and murder a BigMac. Wanna be study buddies?" How do you sum yourself up in 1 or 2 sentences, and more importantly, why? I suppose it just seems a bit like a weird speed dating service to me. I digress.

So, the professor walks in, and after giving us all the syllabus and the cheating shpiel, she utters the most profane thing a professor can utter: "Let's go around the room and tell everyone a bit about ourselves!" Not my favorite thing to do on the first day, but certainly not the end of the world, I quickly run through a mental catalog of my most interesting qualities and experiences, before settling on telling everyone how goodlooking I am, a surefire crowd pleaser.

The professor nods to a girl sitting in the front, and tells her to begin. That girl, dear overachiever, was you. And what you said next was more out-of-nowhere and ridiculous than the conclusion of box office bomb Because I Said So. (Disclaimer: do not see this terrible movie.) What you said, in your deceivingly charming voice, was, "Would you like me to stand up in front of the class?" To which the professor responds, with surprise and delight in her voice, "Yes, oh yes!" You then proceed to stand in front of us for over five minutes, regaling us with heartwarming and fascinating stories of the trials and tribulations of an immigrant student, illiciting gasps, chuckles, and sympathetic "awes" in all the right places.

Really, overachiever? I mean, really? If you set the bar any higher, Tony Robbins could use it as a retainer. As Ghandi once said, "There is nothing I could say standing in front of a room full of people, that I could not say with equal impact, from a comfortable seated position at my desk." Truer words were never spoken. And as for the "bit about yourself", a standard name-hometown-major would have sufficed. A 7 minute monologue was a bit, over-reaching, wouldn't you say overachiever? Now I'm sweating bullets back here, trying to come up with a one-act play that incorporates all of my life experiences while revealing the more admirable traits of my character?

You are, quite frankly, the worst, my dear overachiever, and I would kindly ask that you strive for a normal level of achievement in the future.

Sincerely,
Joge