Where did you go? Have I done something to offend you, perhaps a grievous offense I am not even aware of? Whatever the case, please come back...
The day started like any other, and I whistled contentedly as I hunkered down at my computer and signed into Facebook. The plan: check notifications, respond to some fan mail, catch up on my Words with Friends games (I will beat you if it is the last thing I do Mark Hendricks--you know who you are.) Not part of the plan: noticing with horror and dismay that my number of Facebook friends had dwindled from 547 to a paltry 546.
I just want to know why. But, as Mark Zuckerberg has not created a "Delete Friend--Provide Reason--Final Goodbyes" type application, I suppose I am left to ponder the reasons in solitude.
Was it my excessive status updates relating to frozen waffles? I've been meaning to cut back on those (the updates, not the waffles), but they are so delicious that I sometimes feel the need to share my enthusiasm with the world. Is that a crime? If so, lock me up, and throw me some wet naps, because my fingers are still a little sticky from the maple syrup.
No, I'm sure it wasn't the waffles. Perhaps then, my listening preferences on Spotify have irritated you. I realize listening to "Ms. New Booty" 15 times in a row is a bit much, and that it could be construed as a somewhat offensive song, but I swear, it's just the beat of the song that I like, and I in no way endorse the misogynistic undertones of the lyrics, on that you have my word.
Or maybe it was the poking. It is so hard to convey tone on the internet, but I assure you, the pokes were intended to be playful, not agressive--I'm not a monster!
Whatever the reason, I just hope that we can work things out soon, and become "Facebook friends" once again. I know we only met a few times in highschool, and I haven't seen you since, but does that mean I should no longer be allowed to wish you a "happy birthday xo", or peruse your "Bahamas 2012-WooHoo" album for a few hours? What kind of friend are you anyway?