Dear Ronald McDonald,

In 2009, the Taco Bell chihuahua died. In 2011, the Burger King "King" retired. 2013 is fast approaching...will you be next?

Don't get me wrong Ronny, you've had a great run. Endorsing the McDonald's franchise and simultaneously scaring the crap out of anyone who sees you for over 40 years is no minor feat, and for that, I commend you. But I think all can agree that at some point, the "clowning around" must come to an end. (See what I did there?)

It's not that America doesn't love you. It's just that...well, quite frankly, you scare the shit out of us. So no actually, we don't love you. I know, that's a lot to take in. I'm sure you're probably feeling a lot of things right now--angry, upset, betrayed, confused. You're probably asking yourself: "What could I have done differently?"

Well, call me a sucker for creepy men in makeup, but I hate to watch you suffer like this. So here's what I'm gonna do RonRon. I'm going to give you a few tips to get back in the public's good graces, or at least to reduce the number of people who shiver at the sight of you.

First things first--what does American society value most? If you answered a giant leering smile like that of someone on heavy medication, you would be wrong. Wipe that grin off your face, you look like a serial killer. What Americans value most, unequivocally, is looks. And yours, my dear Ronald, are a big hot mess.

A few pointers for a top-to-bottom makeover:
1. Let's talk hair. The voluminous red waves gots to go. For the record, I have a redhead sibling, and I have no problem with redheads whatsoever. But the fact of the matter is, America is hating on gingers right now, and it doesn't look like they're planning on easing up any time soon. Chances are, you don't have a soul, but it would take people a lot longer to figure this out if you didn't have flaming red hair. And don't even try the defense that you're going for a "boy on fire" look. You are not Katniss. You will never be Katniss. Moving on...
2. The skin. This could easily lead into racist territory, so let the records show, I have nothing against white people. However, there is no reason for you to be walking around looking like Anne Hathaway in Alice in Wonderland. It's called a tanning bed. Find one and hop in. If you're afraid of cancer, well, let's be honest, you eat enough french fries that a heart attack is probably a lot closer on your horizon anyway.
3. The clothes. I'm not one to state the obvious, but I'm about to. No one looks good in red and yellow. No one. Except maybe Stewie Griffin. Are you an animated British baby? No? Then lose the jumpsuit, you look ridiculous.

Well, I guess that about does it Ronald. Good luck in your future endeavors, and enjoy your remaining time. To say that you will be missed is an overstatement. However, if you follow my advice, you will probably not be remembered with as much fear and revulsion as you would have otherwise. And you know what--I'm lovin' it.

Sincerely,
Joge