Dear Battleship,

On those cold winter days when I am stuck in the house, and I’ve heated up some hot cocoa, there is no game I’d rather play than… Monopoly!!!  Notice how I didn't mention a certain other game.  Seriously, Battleship, you are the least inventive game I have ever played, and you always end in a huge, blown-out-of-proportion argument.

Last winter, for instance, I had a snow day and wanted to play a board game with my brother. Monopoly was conveniently nowhere to be found, and I would have taken TiddlyWinks first, but alas, my search was in vain. “So fine” I naively thought to myself, what is the worst that can happen.

Before my tale, I would just like to point out that there is 0 skill level required to Battleship, and I can guarantee that 0 fun will ensue. Seriously what were the game-board people thinking when they came up with this one? “Well, how about a game where the players have to guess where something is, and then they are either right or wrong?” In all honesty, I can say that playing solitaire in a funeral home is more fun than Battleship. I diverge.

So my brother and I were playing this wonder of a game. After I got a hit, I guessed all the other adjacent spots, knowing that one of them must be the true location of the battleship. Not getting any hits in these spots, I explained that the battleships aren’t supposed to be placed diagonally. Again, seriously, Battleship? If you aren’t supposed to put the ships at crazy angles, then why do the little picks fit perfectly into those pick-holders in every single position?

Next game. Everyone is aware of the rules now. Small beads of sweat begin to fill my eyebrows as my frustration with the game increases. This time we have a classic case of “Hey you looked at where my ships were!” Battleship, you look me straight in the eye and explain to me why there isn’t a bigger cover to conceal the locations of those ships. We’re just supposed to sit two feet from one another and not notice that it’s easy to see all of the other person’s business on their board. To make a bad story awesome, my brother and I began to have a verbal duel which was immediately followed by physical confrontations. Battleship absolutely does not= family fun! It equals bare-knuckle boxing with your ten year old brother in the living room, which is only interrupted by the occasional squirrel scurrying through the snow outside, wondering where the hell those damn nuts are!!

You haven’t served me well, Battleship. In fact, you’ve been downright crappy. You are always missing those red and white markers that I cleverly replaced with toothpicks, but even that isn’t working out. I’m giving you to good-will which probably won’t accept you either, making you a perfect candidate for the garbage. I don’t want it to be awkward between us, but I’d rather play puzzles (and I’m fairly certain they do not even qualify as boardgames). I will not be buying the advanced version of you in ten years that has sound effects and light-up bits. We are finished.

Sincerely,
Steve
P.S. Sorry I didn’t make a “bored-game” joke in there, I just needed to vent a little.